It seems to be the case in England that once a man has donned a clerical collar he is left in a state of perpetual sexual arousal and henceforth must have his wanton way with at least one female choirmaster or half the knicker-wearers in the parish.
It doesn’t seem to matter to this priapic parson that he is married or she is, in terms of avoiding making the proverbial “beast with two backs.” So much for the old Seventh Commandment, which has something to say about such shenanigans.
These stories are immensely popular in the UK press, and are popularly known, according to a journalist of my acquaintance who cut his teeth in the trade in the less reputable rags of Fleet Street (back when there still was such a thing), as “randy vicar” stories. They were in huge demand by the readers of such publications.
We don’t seem to go in for transgressing pastors quite as much this side of the Atlantic, Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker (‘member them?) notwithstanding. “Ah have si-yunned!!” amidst a torrent of tears of repentance.
No, we’re much more transfixed by the naughtiness of teachers. Not just by horny male teachers getting much too cozy with yummy little high school coeds, but also female teachers who tend to take down their academic underpants at the drop of a wink by some overcharged fullback on the varsity team.
Seattle’s Mary-Kay Letourneau was the one who said the latter phenomenon in motion. She, a comely lass by any standard, and fully married, decided she had “fallen in love” with a 12-year-old Samoan-origin boy under her tutelage. Ick, by any standard of liberalism about consenting congress between folks.
Anyway, Mary-Kay ended up doing time for her extracurricularity. But, after she was sprung she, still professing her true love, and who are we to judge? ultimately married her erstwhile young charge. And they lived happily ever after. Oh, I don’t know that they did, but who are we to judge? But, if you were taking odds, you know.
But, Mary-Kay’s misbehavior seemed to start a trend of hot-bloodedness in female teachers all over the continent. Such incidents lead me to think at the first instant how that never happened in ‘my day.’ But, considering most of my female teachers, I’m very happy that none ever professed a desire to address me about anything more than why I hadn’t completed my French homework yet again.
But, ‘do it’ they did, a whole passel of young teachers. We even had one in this town and it was pretty darn scandalous. Truly it was. I recall a young reporter at my paper (she covered the school board beat) coming back from a story at a local high school. “Have you ever seen Miss X?” she asked. I replied I had not. “Well, you should,” she exclaimed with a hint of astonishment in her voice. “She looks about 18, and like a whore, with bare midriff, low-cut top, tits almost hanging out! I was stunned.” And remember, she who was stunned was a reporter, and reporters generally don’t shock very easily. I made a mental note to cruise up to the school on some pretext, but never got around to it.
Anyway, a few months later the ca-ca hit the fan. Seems Miss Slutbunny had been having her wanton way, in every way imaginable, with a senior at the school and this had been. Oddly enough, the principal had already known the matter but he never quite got around to doing anything about it until the boy in question sued (huh?) for having been corrupted by the sexy schoolmarm.
Long story short, she was fired, newspaper readers got thoroughly titillated (this kind of real-life smut really sells), and I never did hear what happened about the lawsuit. I kind of think her marriage broke up, too. Yep, she was married at the time.
Now, I was a high school teacher. I spent my days surrounded by nobility, and I was only in my early 20s and cut a fairly passable physical swathe at the time, if I do say so myself. That I liked the female company with which I spent my days goes without saying. And if I were to suggest I was never tempted, I would by lying. Yet, I unequivocally never did go in that direction. I honestly thought it would be a hideous abuse of my position. Later on, long after a girl has graduated, and conditions being equal, such a consummation might take place. But that would be a matter between two adults making an adult decision.
One of my more charming and lovely students once told me, again long after she’d finished school: “Ian, if you had wanted to, you could have had almost anybody.” Intensely flattered as I was, and indeed I was, I still have no regrets that I need to suffer no guilt in that area.
I’m old fashioned enough to believe that is as it should be, despite the fact I enjoy a good randy vicar, or horny schoolmarm story as much as the next person.