The following questions were sent out a few years ago (I didn’t compose them) and I confess I actually did them once before and now I am interested in seeing if my perspective has changed. It has, so my responses are entirely new.This will also double as my Christmas blog, so don’t you be expecting another one prior to the day. I’m tapped out on Yuletide merriment, damn it. So, you kids get yourselves up to bed and I don’t want to hear a peep until Santa arrives at – oh – maybe 9:30 am. If you get up earlier not only will you get no presents, but you’ll be sent off to boarding school in the new year.
- Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift bags for sure. Those wonderful little sacks were invented by guys for guys since guys have an innate inability to wrap anything.
- Real tree or artificial? We have a crappy little artificial one that once decorated looks wonderfully whoreish in its tarted-upedness. Love the smell of real trees. Don’t like pitch and needles on the floor because I’m lazy. And there is the environamental thing about hacking out a poor little tree, sticking it in the living room and essentially letting it die for our amusement.
3. When do you put up the tree? About a week before the 25th..
4. When do you take the tree down? Probably about Jan. 2.
- 5. Do you like eggnog? It’s OK. Pretty rich. Since I no longer drink the good stuff I actually cut it with ginger ale or cola. I know, pretty boring. But, I’m a pretty boring guy. You can argue that last point — if you will – please?.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? We didn’t get gifts, we got a day off beatings since it was Christmas. No, my parents weren’t really that harsh but I can take such liberties because they’re dead and can’t do anything about it.I honestly don’t remember much about what I got in terms of a favorite gift. I guess my bike when I was, oh I don’t know, 8 or 9 I guess. It wasn’t the bike I wanted. I wanted a Raleigh 3-speed rather than a crappy old single speed.
7. Hardest person to buy for? Mainily Wendy because that’s mainly who I buy for. She likes girly, but wants to buy those things for herself. I like buying girly and frilly stuff etc. because then I get to hang out in lingerie stores and they are nice, in my warped sensibilities, places to be. However, she wants more utilitarian stuff from me; things she can use. “So, what did Ian get you?” “Ooh, it was just great. A new printer cartridge.””Oooh, lucky you.”
8. Easiest person to buy for? In past context, my ex, Trudy. She loved girly. Mind you, she also like costly jewelry and cashmere sweaters.Good taste but not for the faint of bank account.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Hardly.We’re not allowed to keep livestock in our neighborhood, so once I realized the lambs and goats were out I thought, what’s the point?
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? A bit of both. I still like getting cards. But ecards are nice too, so feel free to send them to me, OK?
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? When I was 7 my staunch Scots Presbyterian grandmother gave me a Bible. Woo-hoo. Just what every 7-year-old wants. Don’t bother with crap like sleds and bikes when the very soul is at stake. Now I appreciate having it. It’s in very good condition and is an excellent resource for the NYT Crossword..”Book before Ezekiel?”
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? By this point I’m not that big on Christmas movies since I’ve seen them all so many times. But, I retain my huge fondness for the 1950 version of A Christmas Carol starring wonderful old Alastair Sim.
- 13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I usually leave it until as close to the day as I can get away with. This year I shopped real early. A much better idea. While others were scrambling at the last minute I could mock them and jeer.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Come on. That’s the gift equivalent of not flushing. There are limits to recycling. Just a bit too cheapskate.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Virtually everything, with turkey being fairly far down on my list. What I like best of all is my own killer Eggs Benedict at Christmas breakfast. It’s an orgasmic treat that is almost as good as the other kind though a bit more fattening.
16. Lights on the tree? What’s a tree without lights for heaven’s sake. Know what I miss? Care what I miss? Those olden days lights that had a little glass tube on top that bubbled when the lights got warm.
17. Favorite Christmas song? Traditionally I like the classical Christmas carols and especially by the Kings College Choir of Cambridge, or some other wonderful choir with a mammoth pipe organ to punctuate the mood and momentarily make me believe in God. My favorite in recent years has been the Pogues’ Fairytale of New York (featuring the heavenly and adored voice of sadly lamented and loved Kirsty MacColl).
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Ideally I’d love to be away for Christmas. Somewhere warm with palm trees, though probably not Syria.
19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s? Yes I can and please tell your children that one of them is ‘Donder’ (German for thunder) not Donner as I have seen in ads. Disgusting.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? An old Father Christmas kind of guy with a long white beard and golden robe.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning. I’m not one of those European sorts that do it Christmas Eve. No wonder Europe’s in crisis.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Any playing whatsoever of that cloying Little Drummer Boy.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Nothing in particular.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? This year we’re dining out at a restaurant and I have no idea what the fare will be. Better be mighty good at the cost.
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward men, women and young ‘uns.
Merry Christmas all. Love you all to bits.