Despite my wishes for a new big-screen TV, I was told I’d have to suck it up

It was a tossup – between getting a new bigscreen TV – and a freakin’ vacuum cleaner.

The vacuum won. “Hey, you could consider it your forthcoming birthday present,” Wendy cheerfully proffered. I won’t subject you to my opinion about that choice. And it’s not really going to be my BD present, she later assured. I’m not so sure.

Anyway, we were devoid of any decent ability to ‘suck it up’ in this house as of late. So, it was one of those goddamn boring necessity ‘big’ purchases like a washer or dryer. My favorite VC, an ancient Electrolux upright from the 1980s had finally given up the ghost of dust-busting. It was a lovely machine in its day, and had seen me through five our six different households with a few different partners, and it never let me down. You can see a representation in the photo, though that’s not our place. Ours is much nicer. Or, it’s ‘as nice as’, though I wouldn’t mind that Oriental rug.

I mean, its powers were waning as a kind of metaphor for me and my life, but it still worked. The little headlight dealy (why do VCs have headlights, you don’t vacuum in the dark?) had long since gone. The main control switch went a few years later and so the connection was wired in place and all taped up and you started it by plugging it in. But, it was still good, and I hung on.

But, about a month ago, amidst a shower of sparks, the connection blew out again – for about the 567th time – and I decided I just wasn’t going to fix it again. The old EL would be laid to rest. And now it sits – alongside all the other junk we really have been meaning to get rid of – in the garage: the graveyard of Lidster appliances of the defunct sort.

And in that, I was forced to resort to using the ‘Yugo’. I won’t utterly defame the manufacturing company by naming them per se but I assure it’s not much of a ‘devil’ around dirt. Hence the Yugo appellation. In other words, it’s an inefficient piece of shit. So, since I do the majority of the ‘oovering’ (as my Cockney landlady used to call it) I was finding it hard to live with. Added to which, the house wasn’t as clean as either of us would like. I don’t mind ‘untidy’ but I detest ‘dirty’.

Anyway, we decided that if we were going to get a machine to serve as well as the old EL, we had to go for the BMW or Mercedes of the realm, so we opted for a Dyson. Despite the fact Mr. Dyson’s plummy tones irritated the bejesus out of me in the TV ads, his machine – I am here to attest – is all that he says it is. I mean, it’s still only a VC, but a pretty wizard VC it is. I mean to say, it really sucks – in a good way.

Shortly after we brought it home from our friendly neighborhood Costco we tried it out on the living room carpet. Within 5 minutes it had damn near filled the crud chamber with dirt and dog hair that probably went back to when the carpet was laid well over a decade ago. I confess, we were amazed.

It’s an upright that runs on a big ball and it circles like a Porsche in a tight run. Led me to wonder if it would be possible to develop a motor vehicle with a single ball wheel, and then I decided the idea was silly.

Now, I am not here to plug Dysons, but I have decided that since we had to get one of the contraptions, it seems like a pretty nice choice. It’s relatively quiet and it’s nice and light, so all-in-all it seems to be proving its worth.

But I still would have preferred the TV.

But, my birthday’s still coming up, so you never know.




8 responses to “Despite my wishes for a new big-screen TV, I was told I’d have to suck it up

  1. I’m a Dyson aficionado myself. Have one at home and one at the cottage. I love ’em, inasmuch as someone who’s not much of a housekeeper can love a vacuum.
    And here I thought we were seeing your dining room!

  2. For such a boring household necessity, vacuums make pretty good subjects for blog posts, don’t they? And I was quite tickled with your vehicular allusions. Clever!

    • Sometimes there is poetry in the prosaic, as you suggest. And as for the vehicular allusions I, of course, was thinking immediately of you and thought you’d appreciate them.

  3. Your old Electrolux must have been designed by a cardboard box manufacturer – boy was it ugly!

    Glad to see you showed some sense in buying British; we might no have an Empire, but we know how to get down and dirty.

    We’re on our third Dyson. So far I reckon they’ve sucked up the equivalent of 3000 large felines in cat hairs.

    Hoovering butt naked with a Dyson is not advised. It can lead to radical loss of pubic hair or worse.

    • That good old Electrolux may have been ugly, but it was a fine machine that served us for well over 20 years, so I cannot explain.
      But the Dyson is sleek and sexy and I’ll heed your caveat about vacuuming naked. Although …

  4. I hate my cannister vac and want to go back to the vacuums with bags inside. Just wait until you have to clean that foam filter. Yuck!

    • Well, the Dyson folk maintain the cleaning is dead easy. I’ll get back to you when that time comes and let you know if there is validity to your warning. Meanwhile, I’ve got some leftover Electrolux bags. Want ’em?

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