Eggplant and zucchini are satanic — end of argument

Males and females are very different and I for one applaud those differences. Females are smooth and soft and indent where I jut out, and jut out just where they’re supposed to. Females smell nice, have soft voices, and walk in a manner that catches my attention. It’s all just so darn nice, and I believe that is just the way it’s supposed to be.

There was a drive afoot in certain strident educational circles a number of years ago to nullify gender differences, and the more dedicated to this cause were determined to prove that little girls were no different from little boys, and that ultimately, when the teachers’ union ‘ordained new order’ arrived, there would be a blending of both sexes. Of course, this new order would follows a stalwart feminist agenda, and boys would be profoundly discouraged from such erstwhile male bastions as nose-picking, urinating while standing, and audibly farting. This followed the assumption that little girls never indulged in such practices. And, of course, they don’t. My wife said so.

That new order never did fully arrive, but there has been in recent years a certain ‘blending’, or at least compromise between the sexes that seems quite healthy. Males are still allowed to be boys in certain behaviors, and girls can be as ‘girly’ as they like, as long as both groups concede that equal rights should be accorded at all times. I certainly acknowledge the changes, and endeavor to act accordingly. One gesture on my part has been to put the seat back down at least 70 percent of the time. Not bad, considering I was born in a different era, and was raised in a house with a lone female and four males.

However, there is one area in which the twain shall never meet. That is at the dining table, or the grocery store. Choices in acceptable foodstuffs are simply miles apart. Take zucchini, for example. Females actually like zucchini. They will march into the produce section, and exultantly note that zucchini is on special. I have lewdly suggested the affection stems from the fact that shapewise zucchini is a bit on the phallic side. I only suggested that once before the jape was deemed unworthy and ‘old’.

Another female favored grub is eggplant. Why? If it weren’t for females, there would be no eggplant. Even Greek males wouldn’t eat eggplant dishes, despite the fact Socrates extolled its virtues. But, we know all about Socrates and his predilections. Actually, I made that up about Socrates but, since this is ‘my’ blog, I can do that. And, iff you can believe it, there is such a thing as a zucchini and eggplant lasagna. That’s right, both of them in one sorry dish. Lasagna is a wonderful treat, but it is a treat that virtually all males would see as something that involves liberal lashings of meat and cheese. On the other hand, many females of my acquaintance would suggest that maybe this dish has a place in the world and, “wouldn’t it be nice to try something different?” No, not really. Let’s face it, if men had complete sway, there would be no such things as zucchini and eggplant — or courgettes and aubergines, for my more European constituents.

Truly, food seems to be a gender-specific thing. Not that both sexes don’t indulge each other periodically, but generally speaking men favor dishes that involve a lot of meat, and a paucity of vegetables. That is not to say that males eschew all veggies. For example, potatoes and corn on the cob are generally fancied by guys. That’s because they are sort of like meat in that they call for a lot of gravy, or butter or some other sort of animal by-product to be at their best. I used to have a friend who staunchly maintained that potato chips and ketchup were vegetables, and such items would easily satisfy his daily requirements.

Women, on the other hand, are partial to things like salad. Men like salad, too, provided it has the term ‘potato’ in front of it. Women gravitate towards fish much more than males. Men like fish a lot if they have caught it themselves, but otherwise they look to mammalian origins for their fodder. I suspect, in my generalization here, if the bulk of grocery shopping was carried out by males, produce sections would be very small — containing mainly varieties of corn and potatoes, with a few onions, some garlic, and maybe fresh asparagus thrown in. There would assuredly be no broccoli or cauliflower areas, and Brussels sprouts would appear only at Thanksgiving and Christmas, as a suitable accompaniment for turkey, mashed potatoes, and Niblets corn — all of which must be drenched in gravy.

Now, for my female friends who might be concerned about my cholesterol intake, be assured that I have moderated my attitudes towards veggies, and even fruit, for the sake of healthful eating. I will, however, cut no quarter in the direction of zucchini and eggplant. Final question; why is it called eggplant, anyway? It’s got nothing to do with eggs, which are another wonderful item in the masculine lexicon of desirable foodstuffs

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6 responses to “Eggplant and zucchini are satanic — end of argument

  1. DD thinks eggplant and zucchini have no right to exist either, so she must be channeling her masculine side there. I do like both, but only mixed up with other stuff. Eggplant alone is kinda tasteless, and zucchini alone definitely needs major seasoning.

    • Me and DD on the same page in this one. The only zucchini dish I ever had that I quite liked was zucchini loaf, mainly because you couldn’t taste the damn stuff.

  2. This (food) is yet another area where my husband and I are gender benders. He orders fish far more often and also gets the grilled veggies instead of the baked potato (me!). Waiters and waitresses invariably set our food (and drinks) down on the wrong side of the table. We just smile and I always say, “Oh no, that’s for me.” because after all these years, it’s just funny. He wants me to serve cauliflower more often but I don’t like it, except pickled. As far as eggplant goes, I don’t know anyone that eats it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t even sell it in Texas.

    • It speaks well of Texas that they might not sell eggplant. A good impulse. And as far as food goes, I have often suspected you were a girl after my own heart.

  3. Eggplant…because there’s a variety that is ivory white and oval, like a very large duck egg.

  4. I have no problem with zucchini, but not a big fan of eggplant. And cauliflower is only good drowned in cheese sauce. As for brussel sprouts, there really is no reason, nowhere, ever for those to exist.

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