If I were king this stuff would be illegal. So, if I do become king you’ve been forewarned

I just learned something that gave me yet another reason to detest the concept of chewing gum.

It seems that the little birdies pick up bits of gum that the unpleasant discard on sidewalks and footpaths, thinking this rubbish is food. And, well, when they consume same it ‘gums’ up their innards and they die. Similar thing to sea turtles consuming plastic bags thinking they’re jellyfish.

And speaking of discarded gum, some folks get testy and unpleasant about jettisoned cigarette buts on walkways – and so they should – but I find gum worse. It sticks to one’s shoes and then one tracks it in over that exquisite Persian rug one doesn’t own.

Personally, I think access to and subsequent consumption of gum should be as restricted as is smoking in this age of smugly special people who would judge others mercilessly. For, if you are a gum-chewer (and I do have friends that are) I think your habit is displeasing.

Even more displeasing if you are a gum-snapper.

And why should anybody over the age of – oh I don’t know, maybe 15 – want to chew gum? Especially want to chew gum in public. Perhaps gum chewing should be relegated to the status of other very private practices like going to the toilet or masturbation.

“Where’s Suzie?”

“In her room, I think.”

“What’s she doing?”

“Probably chewing gum.”

“Well, tell her to cut it out. If she keeps it up she’s gonna go blind.”

What was the predominant personal habit of the southern redneck sheriff brilliantly played by Rod Steiger in the classic In the Heat of the Night? Exactly, chewing gum. Speaks volumes.

In the context of chewing gum, I can only ask, what is the motivation behind the horrible gum advertising you see on television these days in which people are being smacked, beaten up, having violent orgasmic sequences in their lives and so forth? They’re almost as offensive as those toilet paper ads in which a bunch of women bear testament as to how their chosen brand wipes their bums ‘cleaner.’ Ew. Are there really people who have such conversations? Are they allowed to vote or breed?

I mean, this is chewing gum, for heaven’s sake. What happened to plain old Juicy Fruit, Dentyne or Chiclets? Nothing earth-shattering about them. You chewed for a while. They lost their flavor. You chewed another piece. Mastery of gum chewing came pretty quickly in life. As for my personal bias I always favored Chiclets because you got both candy and gum in one confection.

So, yes, I chewed gum as a kid. And then I grew out of it. I guess that’s the reason for the repulsive advertising. I reckon a lot of us grew out of it. And thst is, to me, a good thing.

But, if you do chew gum, please mind how you discard it. Stick a spent piece behind your ear, or in your cleavage, take it home and dispose of it properly.

This has been a pubic service announcement.




17 responses to “If I were king this stuff would be illegal. So, if I do become king you’ve been forewarned

  1. I agree. I will also vote for you as King….:)

  2. Social programs no longer distribute lone condoms. Now you get these packages sent to schools and we are expected to distribute them. They contain one condom, one red ribbon (pick your cause), an information pamphlet on family planning type stuff and one package of gum. I admit, occasionally I want to mask the coffee on my breath before teaching a class so I rip one of those packages open and steal the gum. Judge me if you will.

    • Oh, I’ve chewed gum on occasion myself if I want to sweeten my breath. My biggest beef is people carelessly discarding it or chewing it in my face. Gum and condoms Inerestin combo.

  3. That’s funny Ian, I once wrote about gum.

    I’m not sure why but I was thinking about gum the other day. Gum. What a strange confection. Invented by? For what reason? Do we need to act as cows – why? I don’t get, it but then again I am no longer a big gum chewer. Used to be, there were all kinds of great gum out there. Graperoo, Ton o Gum, Rain Blow, the classic Double Bubble and Bazooka, hey double your pleasure double your fun with Doublemint Doublemint Doublemint Gum. Every kid knows not to swallow your gum, it take 7 years to digest and pass through you, no kidding, that’s what Billy Johnson said, and he’s 10. The number one flavour for gum has to be mint. Not just mint but some kind of mint because the world has,you know, bad breath – everyone. Spearmint, Peppermint, Antarctic Mint, Chocolate Mint, Cool Mint, Warm Mint, Average Temperature Mint, Mint that is not cool but not warm, French Mint, German Mint, Mongolian Mint and so on. The greatest gum reference of all time is from One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest. Jack Nicholson offers the “Chief” an inmate we all believe to be mute a piece of gum, after a few chews the Chief says “MMM Juicy Fruit. Love It.

    • Thanks for the trip down memory lane, Doug. I was always a Dubble Bubble man, myself. Just so I could follow the ongoing adventures of Pud and the gang. Obviously the Fleers folks didn’t realize that in the UK Pud has quite a different meaning than it does here.

  4. Well, I’d be tempted to say, so long as it’s not your own exquisite Persian carpet…. 😉

  5. Quitting smoking in Matt’s estimation means one can chew gum with impunity. And leave little wads everywhere – but never on the floor. Table tops, which is marginally better than under the edge. Window sills. Pretty much any flat surface. The dash of my car was todays find.
    Become king soon, please.

    • A lot of people take up gum when they quite smoking. A case of changing one obnoxious habit for another. But, that still concerns me about ‘2nd-hand gum chewing’. I remember when I was a kid and would put gum on the headboard and then resume chewing it aain in the morning.

    • Thanks, Leslie for sending this along. As I mentioned, I remember the original Donovan version of this, but this is delightful. I once interviewed Will Millar of the Rovers for a newspaper article. Very nice guy and we were both familiar with the same little pub in the same tiny village in N. Ireland.

  6. I thought you didn’t like Oprah. She HATES gum chewing. Anyway, I love to have a stick of the old school Adams Sour Cherry after every meal. It’s only good for about 7 minutes. Plus, you practically have to chew gum during laniding and take-off on planes. And there is this:

  7. The gum thing is disgusting. But I once lived in a town where they did something worse… spitting! These huge blobs of flem just dotted the sidewalks everywhere. It was just indescribable. Couldn’t walk through certain parts of that town without feeling the need to vomit.

    And then I moved.

  8. As I mentioned, there are occasions in which I have succumbed to gum chewing and I did it a lot when I was younger. My main gripe is careless discarding of the stuff and the horrible TV ads. Like, it’s only gum, folks, don’t make it more than it is. Looked at the 3 fat chicks piece. Interesting, and no doubt true. I still don’t like Oprah, by the way, even if we agree on this.

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