The sad tale of domestic tragedy at the Casa Mapother

I detect a certain amount of schadenfreude out there regarding the current misfortune of little Tommy ‘Mapother’ (his real surname) as he sees his life crashing all around him. That’s right, Tom, aliens triumphant in terms of your charmed life and too many people are gloating over it.

Of course by now absolutely everybody in the known universe and beyond is fully aware of what is arguably the biggest non-news story since Brittney found there is absolutely no ladylike way to exit a limo whilst in commando-mode.

Yep, Tom and wotserface (whose name I have a problem remembering; maybe Tommy-boy had the same problem) are, as Variety would say “splitsville”. I never knew much about their marriage except that they had a little girl that they turned into a personal dress-up doll and that Tom jumped up and down on the Sofa of Oprah (‘member her?) when he and Katy (yep, that’s it; I knew I’d get it) were first together. I was kinda like that when I was first with the lady who became my 2nd wife, and you know how that turned out. Oh, right, sort of like Tom and Katy. Maybe excessive exultation has something to do with denial. My psychiatrist/psychologist friends might be able to address that.

It might interest you to know that Tom isn’t the only one in his family to be in the acting biz. His cousin, William Mapother – who kind of looks like Tom would if he’d had fewer ‘cute’ genes – also acts. He was a character in Lost, but otherwise I don’t know much about him. An Internet search indicated he had nothing to say either re the divorce (a family tragedy) or Tom’s Scientology wackiness in which he has attested he doesn’t believe in the concept of post-partum depression, for which he really pissed off Brooke Shields who threatened to take out a contract on him for his lack of actorly consideration. It’s not nice to insult Brooke, who shills wonderfully well for the La-Z-Boy people these days. Who says there are no second acts in life?

Otherwise, I have very little opinion about Tom. I know he’s very short and calls Danny DeVito ‘Stretch’. I’ve seen him in a few things and he was darn OK. My ex used to get the vapors (and whatever else) over Top Gun, but that was more about the airplanes than Tom. She was a jetplane fetishist and, to her credit, could actually fly a plane herself.

I have seen him in things and he was quite good. I liked Jerry McGuire, but I think that was mainly because I have kind of a longstanding crush on Renee Zelweger who can rarely do anything wrong in my books. I would have married Bridget Jones in a heartbeat.

Tom has been in other things, too, like that one with Nicole Kidman (also a Mrs. Cruise) where Tom plays an Irishman in the days of the Oklahoma land grab. Crappy Irish accent, Tom, as cute as you are.

Otherwise his oeuvre is kind of alien to me. I mean, there are fine actors of his generation, like Sean Penn, Brad Pitt (sometimes), Matt Damon and a few others, but Tom doesn’t really leap to my mind as being in the same league, despite the fact he probably earns $10 million an hour for just being who he is. You know, ‘cute’. And he does act better than Keanu Reeves, but so does my mechanic.

As for the Scientology thing, I have no real opinion other than it is complete hogwash – mind you so are a lot of other bits of nonsense people believe in, so who am I to judge? I know little about Scientology other than a lot of other intellectual and spiritual shining lights like, ahem, John Travolta (hey, Vinnie Barbarino) subscribe. ‘Nuff said. Except for the alien visitation thing. Come on!

May Tom and Katy be happy in their newfound singleness.



8 responses to “The sad tale of domestic tragedy at the Casa Mapother

  1. Well I guess I was out wandering around the unknown universe because I didn’t have a clue.

  2. Nor do I give a shit, actually.

  3. I knew these people existed. I still don’t know why.

  4. Which? Scientologists or the Tom Cruises of the world? Or both? All are irrelavant.

  5. I could write a poem about how much I do not care. But I won’t. Because I don’t care. I love movies, but I have zero interest in the personal lives of the actors in them.

    • You and I are of accord in this. I’d like to see that poem just to see if you care less than I do. We could have a poetry-off about our lack of caring. No wait, that might show that we cared. Of course, I screwed that up by blogging about them.

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