I’m not sure quite what to expect. I was on a cruise way back in 1990. It was only four days duration along the west coast of Mexico and frankly I enjoyed it enough that I was sorry when the trip was over. Added to which I had come down with a crappy cold and just wanted to curl up in the stateroom bunk rather than contend with the wretched atmospheric quality of LA, whence we were disembarking.
This time we disembark at Honolulu after a number of days exploring Maui, the Big Island and Kauai. I know I’ve been there many times before, but not by ship.
So, what will such a lengthy sea cruise be like? I have no preconceptions. Since we’ll be sailing into tropical waters I expect the iceberg threat is minimal so no chance to steam up the windows of a vintage Citroen with Kate Winslet in steerage. Drat.
I doubt if there is steerage on cruises. Or, maybe there is and that’s where we are. Does that mean we’ll have to dance polkas with eastern Europeans and listen to accordion music?
And I doubt to that there still exists the ritual morning floggings on the poop deck. Exactly what is a ‘poop deck’ anyway? Sounds unseemly. And in that context, no doubt keelhaulings are long since gone. Pity in a way. Always wanted to see how they did it.
I gather the object of modern cruises is just that, the cruise. Plus the other stuff. Most people say you end up eating yourself senseless and I notice our ship has about 11,000 dining options. Other people, I gather, drink themselves loopy. I no longer imbibe so I suspect I’ll only have the privilege of watching the show.
Will there be a Poirot type murder in one of the staterooms? That would be diverting.
I believe there is entertainment of various sorts. What are Leslie Uggams and John Byner up to these days? Well, they just might be on our ship.
“Ahar, Jim ‘Arkins, hoist the mizzenmast and splice the mainbrace and hand me the wheel, ahar.”
Not sure what captains do these days. If they’re coked up Italian skippers they seem to run up on rocks in vain attempts to impress an onshore girlfriend. But, evidently if you go to the captain’s dinner you are expected to dress appropriately. Why? Are the guests trying to impress him? Does he really care? If that’s what’s important to him, perhaps he doesn’t have enough to do.
“Guy at Table 13B had an open collar. I expect to see him in my wardroom at 8 bells to give him a dressing down and threaten him with the brig if it happens again!”
Otherwise, once that’s over with we’ll just have to bide our time wandering around, swimming, playing shuffleboard, losing quantities of money in the casino and I’ll be trying to make time with Leslie Uggams in her off hours since she’s always been a secret fantasy of mine.
I’ll fill you in when we’re back.