They permit open sales of this awful stuff, yet heroin remains illegal

consumed by licorice
               (Pretty girl being devoured by licorice all sorts swarm)

I just made a terrible, terrible mistake. I mean to say, I’ve made a few unwitting errors in my life (and a few of them were fun and maybe, arguably, worth it) but this one was particularly egregious and unforgivable. By me, at least.

For if you are going to make a mistake it’s best to make sure it hurts somebody else rather than bite the mistake-maker (i.e. me) in the ass.

What I did was buy some ice cream. An agreeable and innocent thing to do on a warm day. Rather than make a further purchase of my default flavor – vanilla, to suit my pathologically bland personality – I noticed an item called ‘Tiger Tail’. Hoo boy. ‘Orange’ ice cream (which I love and is terribly rare and obviously endangered) with a little dark stripe going through it. Really ‘cute’ ice cream. So, I made the purchase and took it home with me thinking of Hobbes from ‘Calvin and Hobbes’.

Just as I was about to drop it in the deep freeze I was struck with a sensation of unease that nearly bordered on panic. I scrutinized the label closely. The pretty stripe, which logic had dictated to me must be chocolate, turned out to be ‘licorice’ — the most disgusting flavor known to humankind. I fell into a near faint when I realized what I had done.

Why is there licorice? It’s awful. Licorice anything is despicable, and to taint ice cream in such a manner – especially orange ice cream – should surely be illegal in a civilized society.

I revile all manner of licorice. Licorice whips, licorice candy, and the most loathsome of all, ‘licorice all-sorts’, the liver of candy. I cannot believe that there are people who purchase such obnoxious confections and are otherwise entitled to breed and to vote.

I think I need to go and lie down for a while, feeling a bit mollified that I have a bit of remaining vanilla.


5 responses to “They permit open sales of this awful stuff, yet heroin remains illegal

  1. I laughed out loud at your description of licorice and especially licorice all sorts…My parents bought them all the time… probably knowing that they would remain untouched at least by me!!

  2. We are SO related, yet again! I too loathe licorice with a fiery passion! (I also don’t like orange ice cream, but we’ll ignore that for now, shall we?)

  3. I too disdain all things licorice…

    As a kid, my dad gave me licorice one day while we were out riding in his convertible. I was young and did not wish to offend his offer of candy, but could not stand it…

    Trying to be unobtrusive, I attempted to spit it out the car window but I was short and misjudged and ended up spitting it out inside the car…

    He cleaned up the mess, did not say a word but licorice has not passed my lips since.

  4. I loved Pontefract cakes….not so keen on licorice allsorts…but ice cream? No. Horrible.

  5. I felt a wave of nausea overwhelming me as I looked at that picture. It only intensified as I read on. aaargh. blech.

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