Got me them old-fashioned cheapskate wedding bell blues

I have been thrice married and twice divorced. I’d like to keep it that way. Marriage is challenging but divorce is batshit crazy in what it does to your emotions and sense-of-worth and the like.

At least in our situation neither of us can be smug about poor track records and all, since Wendy’s nuptial history is the same as mine. Ever notice, by the way, how many people mispronounce ‘nuptial’ and it comes out ‘Nupchewal’. Beside the point.

Anyway, my three weddings went like this:

1) Long, long ago, when there were wolves in Wales – oops, sorry, that’s stolen from Dylan Thomas. Anyway, many years ago Wife #1 and I got married. We had a great big wedding with lots of friends of both sets of parents there and I don’t recall many of our own friends.

We got married in a church by a guy with his collar on backwards and “plighted our troths” (whatever on earth that means). The clerical aspect wasn’t very important to me but was deemed vital by the future in-laws and hence, my new bride. Anyway, I guess a good time was had by some and, you know, I don’t remember much about it.

We did get some nice gifts, including I think 27 fondue sets, in keeping with the mode of the day along with an electric carving knife. Remember those stupid faddish things? And a bunch of other stuff that I forget and not any cold, hard cash.

We stayed married for many years, but eventually some unsurmountable problems rendered it futile to continue in a situation neither of us were truly contented with. Shit happens.

2) In our own back garden by the pool. I still have photos of the day. The place looked splendid. As did the bride, a beautiful woman resplendent in virginal white – which was a bit of a stretch considering her 14-year-old daughter was part of the entourage. Anyway a few family members, a lot of friends were there for a ceremony conducted by a marriage commissioner.

I don’t believe we called for gifts and hence most folks obliged. Marriage didn’t last for shit and the breakup was sad but no doubt necessary for our mutual sanity.

3) Took place, again before a marriage commissioner, at a classy hotel near Vancouver International. Again we called for no presents and the whole business was small and tasteful. We treated our guests to dinner at our expense, which I think was very nice of us.

We broke with tradition a bit in that my ‘best man’ was a girl. She was (and is) my best friend, so why not? And Wendy’s maid-of-honor (following that theme) was her brother. How progressive are we?

We called for no gifts, BTW. People happily obliged with no gifts.

Anyway, that one has worked for 13 ½ years and we do hope it stays that way.

Now, the reason I was on the wedding theme – and what has gone before was actually a lengthy preamble is due to the fact that I read an article recently in which young people getting married today don’t want some cheapshit “thoughtful” gift from guests – they want cold, hard cash. In fact, some couples even reserve the right to suggest how much you should cough up.

They argue that it’s very expensive to put on a wedding reception, what with the food and music and photos and all, so somebody’s gotta pay for it. You know, as if the bride and groom are offering you some sort of splendid entertainment rather than a thing you are feeling obligated to attend.

You know what I say about that? I say tough patooties to you, kids, you greedy little money grubbers. It’s not as if you’re offering a weekend at a luxury resort – unless you are, in which case I’ll pay. I know it’s difficult and costly starting out, but it was when we were young, too. Suck it up.

Be honest now and with fingers to spare on one hand, how many weddings have you attended (not including members of your family, which is a bit different) that you’ve really regarded as time well-spent?

I mean, there have been a slight few I have wanted to attend but been unable to for various reasons. That includes one recently. But for the most part, not so much.

Exactly. I sometimes start with my “can we go home yet?” plea before the ceremony has begun.

Not that I don’t wish any bride and groom all sorts of niceness in their futures but I don’t think their guests should have to pick up the tab.


3 responses to “Got me them old-fashioned cheapskate wedding bell blues

  1. I hate weddings. Hate hate hate ’em. Luckily I’m at an age were I don’t much have to go to any…

  2. Ian, Coincidentally, I blogged a couple of days ago about a wedding I went to last month.

    By and large, I agree with Jazz – most weddings are boring. Apart from my own one which was ace. 27 years ago. Crikey. I never thought I would have a long marriage – my track record with girlfriends and living with girlfriends before that wasn’t exactly stable! Still, c’est la vie.

  3. I do not mind weddings, but some have gone really overboard. I have seen shows on tv where couples have spent $10-$30 on weddings, one couple spending over $100,000. That is a great down payment on a house!!! One groom was flown to the altar in a helicopter. Is that really necessary?? My whole wedding and reception together only cost $400!!
    And everyone who attended still remember it,

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