There’s a tragic paucity of homegrown porn in the great white north

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Canada is often obsessed about lagging behind in many areas. It’s a national paranoia that stems from having a relatively teeny population whilst sitting next to a nation that has a huge population and a massive cultural influence on our lives.

We watch American films and  TV shows, listen to American music and consume American junk food. This overweening domination of all that we’re meant to hold holy galls those commissioned to see to our cultural integrity.

But, there is a body designed to protect us from such alien seductions. That body is known as the CRTC (Canadian radio-television telecommunication commission). And just last week this august (federally charged, what else?) body revealed some shocking news. Canada is not holding its own (metaphorically speaking) in the wide-world of homegrown smut creation. That’s right, there is a porn-paucity amongst Canadian film and video producers and the CRTC wants something done about that.

By the way, this is all true. You can’t make this stuff up. Some little gnomes and gnomettes in Ottawa want Canadians to get their rocks off, not at the curling rink, but by viewing steamy Canuck porno. I might just try to see how bad this dearth quotient is by avidly surfing the net for a few hours – in the name of national integrity, of course and for no other reason whatsoever.

Hi, hon’, just watching Muff-diving in Mississauga. Now, don’t you be getting the wrong idea. It’s all in the name of patriotism.”

sexy inuitI have no idea why we produce such a small quantity of dirty-stuff in these here parts. I mean, the winter nights are long and cold and monkey-business is often the end result of an early snuggle. Why aren’t people filming such naughtiness? I mean, some parts of the country should lend themselves to thinking “country matters”, as Hamlet would have it. You know, consider Newfoundland with actual towns named Dildo and Come By Chance. Surely those towns have inspired randy thoughts in some who are given to randy thoughts.

And it’s a big country, so why not Big Asses in Ashcroft, Golden Golden Shower, Boobsy Burnaby, and ever so many more?

My fellow Canadians I ask you to do your patriotic duty and ask your MP to promote randy cinematic rollicking, possibly in your own community. I was trying to think of an alliterative title for my hometown of Comox, but taking everything into consideration I deemed it better to refrain.

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10 responses to “There’s a tragic paucity of homegrown porn in the great white north

  1. Here I disagree with you. No More Porn! Use your imagination, read a rowdy romance novel!

  2. jeanieinparadise

    And indeed it was humourous. Found you by way of Pearl – and giggled.

  3. Well, that gave me a chuckle. Oh, and from the last “rowdy romance” I read, I can pretty much confirm it’s pretty much just porn with bells and whistles.

  4. Nothing wrong with porn and you Canucks really should get going on making more of the stuff. Mounties and all. I can think of several possible story lines right this minute…

  5. lol @ Ian. Canucks are good ole folks. leave them be and don’t dirty their communication waves you evil gnomes and gnomettes

  6. But Enid, our government seems to be worried about our lack of smut.

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