The following is an excerpt from a day in the Life of Max the Wonder Dog. He’s very bright, but he can’t actually write, so this is an ‘as told to’ piece of stream-of-consciousness.
Oh good, that guy’s up. I can hear him peeing, and now the toilet’s flushing. He’ll be out soon and I can go outside. Sonofabitch must think I have a bladder the size of a football. Here he comes down the hall. No, don’t go and turn on your %$#*& laptop. Let me outside so I can pee and then piss you off and awaken the neighbors by barking when the newspaper carrier arrives. Hee-hee. Bastards sleep too late in this neighborhood anyway.
OK, he’s got his coffee and newspaper and she’ll be up in a minute. Now to grab 40 winks now that they’re up. I mean, why not? It isn’t as if I have an actual job to do in the morning – or any other time, for that matter. They fetch and carry for me and right now it’s just a matter of filling in time until brekkie. I pretend I like my breakfast, but it does get boring to have the same old crap every morning and then only to have it repeated at dinnertime. Have they ever thought how much I might like a goodly chuck of chateaubriand? Sometimes I don’t eat breakfast. Sometimes I don’t eat it until dinnertime. I like doing that. Gets them all exercised wondering if something is wrong with me. I don’t push it too often or they might take me to the vet who will give me a shot and stick a thermometer up my ass.
Ooh, it’s now across-the-park walk time. Been waiting all night for this. Hope Abby’s out there. She’s my special sweetie and I’d marry her if we could do such a thing. Shit, I don’t see her anywhere. That’s just not right. Maybe if I look longingly at her house she’ll come out and see me. Nope, don’t see any sign of bitch. Oh, and for any humans that might be offended by the term, bitch isn’t an insult in our world. I mean, I’m a son-of-a-bitch. But, if I apply it to my human, it is an insult. Clear? Oh great. There’s some of the doggie-treat guys out this morning. Just make a beeline for each of them, I guess. I mean that’s why they’re here, isn’t it? To give us stuff because they’re needy and want us to like them? I think so.
OK, heading back now. She’s going to work. She does that every morning. I mean, she just buggers off. Wouldn’t she rather stay home with me? A bit insulting, I must say. I mean, I can see her not wanting to stay home with ‘him’ particularly, but me?
OK. He’s having his shower now. Soon we’ll hit the road. Whoopie. He’ll wanna go out for coffee and I get to go and sit in the car with bugger all to do. My fault really, I always get enthusiastic and act like I wanna go with him. I do want to go, really. Not sure why. It gets pretty boring. If only I could drive I could just take off in the car when he’s having coffee. Wouldn’t that surprise the hell out of him? But, I can’t. I mean, I’ve mastered the theory. I’m observant but, you know, the old lack of opposable thumbs thing screws me up. Oh, and I could never master driving a stick. At least if I knew how to read it might help pass the time. Oh good. He’s coming out. We can go home again and I can put in time until our afternoon walk.
Wait! We’re not hitting the road. At least I’m not. He pathetically tried to explain it to me and told me it was too hot. Hell, heat. I laugh at heat. No, I don’t really. Hit’s me pretty hard. I hear about those assholes who stick their dogs in hot cars. It’s not stray pets who should be euthanized, it’s stray brain dead dickwads. So, I’ll stay home and look all forlorn at him to make him feel bad for leaving me.
Hiatus time. He’s back again. I’d really like to bite him for leaving me, but I won’t because generally he’s a pretty good guy and he did rescue me from the slammer and that counts a lot. Bugger all happening, however. He’s sitting in that other room pecking away at his computer while I am sitting and waiting for good stuff to happen. Seems like I’m always waiting. That thumbs thing again. I’d so like to get up and turn that knob and take myself for a walk. Well, maybe I’ll go and bark at a car that has parked out in front so some moron can talk on his mobile phone. That violates my space, jerk, and I’ll bark at you through the window.
He’s finished his lunch. Hoo-boy. That always means we’re going for a walk. Where’re we going today. OK, let it be a surprise. Climb in the car and go where the road takes us. One time it took us right to the end of Oregon. That was cool. All those sandy beaches to run on. Why don’t we do that all the time? Nope, we’re going to the woods. Almost as good as Oregon. Ohboyohboyohboyohboy – we’re going to the woods.
I like going to the woods. They say there are sometimes cougars there. I don’t want to meet a cougar. They may be just &%$#@ cats, but they are big and mean @#$%& cats and rumor has it they eat dogs for breakfast. So, I don’t want to run into one but I like the fact that the possibility keeps me on edge. Otherwise I just plod down the trails, check the pee-mails from other dogs, pee myself on each and every blade of grass and dawdle as much as possible because I know it irritates the hell out of him. It’s OK. I know he isn’t going to give me away like that other asshole did the first time around. Oops, now we’re at the sandy place. I like to have a refreshing crap here. He doesn’t mind either because it’s easy to pick up. I have him well trained and he always picks up after me. Oops, there’s a golden lab juvie. Don’t be too rambunctious son, or I might have to put you in your place. Good, he showed the proper respect. Makes my job easier. Well, back at the parking lot again to head off home.
Not a bad day in all and now I’ll just chill out on the lawn by the patio. My day’s work is done and soon it’ll be dinner.