Men do not do small change. It’s as simple as that

two bucksSo, we have this issue about small change, herself and I.

You see, as a male, I don’t ‘do’ change. This is all genetically predetermined and nobody can blame me for it.

One of the dreariest things to have happened in this otherwise relatively decent country was to have done away with the dollar and two-dollar bills. I believe females in both the finance ministry and the federal mint made the decision.

No man would have approved the elimination of paper money. Truly, one of my many joys in traveling in the US (and I’ve never once had to dodge bullets whilst traveling therein) is getting my hands on all those greenback singles.

The reasons men like me hate coins of large denomination is that they are big and eat away at pocket linings and cause ‘coin-rash’ on the upper thigh front, and also because even though they are $1 and $2 denominations, they feel like &^%** change and I tend to forget about them. Or more accurately, reject them because, as I said at the beginning, I don’t ‘do’ change.

Every week or so I clear that change out of my pocket and dump it atop the bedroom dresser. And I grant Wendy the right to help herself. That’s because it’s not ‘real money’, it’s just ‘change’.

But sometimes I forget. Like when I was ordering coffee the other day and handed the pretty barrista a $20 bill. She wondered if I had anything smaller. “Oh, just a bunch of change,” I replied. “Well, let’s have it then,” she said. “Put it out on the counter and let’s count it.” I said that would be fine, mainly because she was a pretty barrista, but assured her there probably wasn’t enough. She looked at the array of coinage and asserted: “There’s easily enough here.”

And there was, and I even got some change back from my strewn change.

My biggest bugbear is when I’m at the checkout in a grocery store, especially the express lane. I’m told the tab is, say, $2.17, I’ll hand the clerk a fiver. If Wendy is there she’ll say “I’m sure you have it in change.” Probably I do. But if she’s not there, I’ll fork over the five. It’s not that I’m innumerate, it’s just that I’m both lazy and I hate holding people up, especially if I’m in the express lane. I know they won’t want me scrambling in my pockets and dropping my pennies and other crap change on the floor. They’ll look heavenward and mutter: “*&%$# asshole” under their respective breaths. At least that’s what I’d do if somebody did that in front of me.



8 responses to “Men do not do small change. It’s as simple as that

  1. Are you saying that it is solely because I am female that I enjoy paying in coin? I had never considered such but perhaps you are correct because I actually get a thrill when paying if I am able to fish out the exact amount in coins. Assuming of course it is less than $2. If it’s more than that I feel a bit embarrassed, like I’m perhaps not adulting well enough if I can’t offer paper.

  2. I save my change in a big jar and once had $400 which paid my food and light bill for four months…

  3. We’ve done away with those stupid pennies, remember? This said, like you I accumulate change. Then i go down to the cafeteria in the building where i work and sell it to the woman who runs it. Had 20 bucks in loonies and toonies last time I went.

  4. Goodness me, on this reckoning we are both transgender! I loathe small change and will always change a note. Leo will rummage through his – and my purse – to extract the last five colon piece with a queue building up behind.
    Not a problem in Costa Rica where patience is an obligatory virtue, but it used to get a French queue well steamed up. The volley of tut tuts would be worthy of a machine gun…

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