If you want to know who’s at fault here, blame Mexico

There have been many brass-monkey jokes bandied around these parts in the last couple of days.

That’s because, for the time of year, not to mention our geographic situation, it is inordinately cold. As I write it is minus-five Celsius, or 22F in the system of temperature deduction I grew up with and still, frankly, cherish.

For the record, I don’t ‘do’ cold. It’s not that I dislike it; it is that I detest, revile, and despise cold. I am a tropical man. I cherish palm trees and being in a place that has never even seen a skiff of snow. I also don’t ‘do’ snow. “Oh, but it’s so pretty,” say assorted buffoons as a justification of our disgusting situation of the moment.

No it’s not pretty. It’s nasty. A few minutes after it falls it has been rendered dirty with footprints, and is highlighted with amber spots from dog pee. At least, I hope it’s just dog pee. 

My only solace is that over the last decade hundreds of Albertans, buoyed by their ill-gotten gains from the petroleum industry, decided to flee their disgusting climate for my ordinarily benevolent one. They artificially drove up prices and put a huge strain on our infrastructure, so screw them. Go back to Edmonton, or wherever, I say and take your goddamn winter weather with you. Anyway, I suspect they are not finding this place so benevolent at the current moment. And I do get a modicum of glee from that.

Cold pierces me to the fundament. It pierces me even more than some others because, due to a not-terribly-serious clinical condition, I am prescribed blood thinners that render me more sensitive to cold than regular civilians are.

Now, it is fair that many of you to the south think of Canada as the frozen north. For most of Canada, for most of the winter, it makes North Dakota look benevolent. But, the west coast is normally stuck with the adjective ‘balmy’ because that’s what it normally is. Vancouver is generally not much different in winter temp from San Francisco. Indeed, we even have some palm trees, including the one I have had for years in my front yard.

So, God of climate, I can only ask, WTF? We have often gone through the entirety of winter without a hint of snow, and few nighttime temps below freezing. But, this year is a shitty anomaly. 

They say the problem originates with La Nina, the ‘little girl’ cold current that manifests in the Pacific off the coast of Mexico every few years. I’d say that gives Mexico even more to answer for. Despite the advantages they have gained from NAFTA, it seems they feel they reserve the right to screw up our winter climate every few years. Of course, it’s all a ploy by Mexico, because the most favored destinations for winter weary Canucks are such warm spots as Cancun and Cabo. This year they’ll be bringing in tourists in droves, drug wars and resort explosions notwithstanding.